I try not to complain. But I also spent 27 years trying not to cry. It gave me a headache and took too much time out of my day. I always had better things to do then to cry. But my gosh I want to lament a little on my last threeish years. I won’t even go in to the whole blah boyfriend, break up, and the following sadness or bad decisions (like renting my own house when hello I was totally in school debt and had no extra money). But let’s just look at what I can’t get a break from. And when I finally got a break, it was an ACTUAL break forcing me home for weeks and taking my vacation time that would have been used to see Beth Messer. But here’s the thing, I am going to do the whole sad, woe is me (x10000000000), but I am going to try and pull something positive out of everything. That’s what he said.
My complaints will be brief but if you want me to tell you more, buy me a margarita and some chips and salsa. That’s how Caprice and I used to get everything just out there every week.
Bad thing: My pitiful life started with a horrible change at my second home. Not the orphanage. My workplace. After 12 years, I had to quit my job because I had a full on rash. I was being harassed and very much obviously picked on by a new manager and all the sudden I didn’t feel the love anymore. I thought I had super good friends and coworkers and some stuck with me, but most feared for their association with me and my direct boss and just simply did not support me. That was a huge let down. I mean, serious tears over this whole thing. And finally, I quit. After two years of hell, and being written up for watching Netflix on the desk plus a dozen other things that weren’t true, I walked in at my scheduled time, got an evil look from the manager and then my entire department started whispering to me about my tardiness. Well no. It seems like a dumb thing, but that was it for me. I came in twenty minutes early even that day so it gave me extra time and I sat down and wrote my letter of resignation right there. Better to leave then be fired and I knew it would come. Sure enough, she had an email out to fill my position within ten minutes. So that must have been right on her desktop.
Good thing: I had to look for jobs I actually wanted and needed! Before I applied every now and then for a job I probably wouldn’t get or want but this made me fill out over 100 applications all over. So I had a few interviews and then took the first one offered. It made me really look for a job when before I would have stayed where I was comfortable. The rash actually made me uncomfortable where I planned on staying forever.
Bad thing: These will get shorter probably because the first one still makes me so ANGRY. Okay. Moving where you know no one and there is SNOWWWWWW. Oh my gosh, the anxiety. I made fun of people with anxiety. I mean not like point at people and say ha ha you have panic attacks, but I never understood it. I understand now. I was lonely and sad and poor and missed everything about home. Except the rash.
Good thing: I had to go do stuff. I had to force myself to make friends. At work, outside of work, and at church. I had to make plans, I had to plan plans, and I had to really try not to stay in even though that would have been easier. Even for someone who loves new people, it was super frustrating to just not have your regularly scheduled trivia, movies, dinners, drop by for Parks and Rec. I mean, really weird. and no family to fall back on. Movies by myself still will be my favorite thing ever.
Bad thing: Okay so, this is short because I mean really I can’t say much. My dad died. He left us. Our family of four was so close. Probably more than normal. But it worked for us. And we were all such good friends. My dad and I were alike in a lot of ways and it was not cool how it happened or that I wasn’t there for Seth or that my mom didn’t get to say good bye. So many things that are wrong about this. And not what I ever thought would happen. I never, ever thought my kids would never meet their grandpa. I don’t like it at all.
Good thing: Let me think. A year later and I still try and see “the plan” or what was good. He didn’t suffer. My family had to move to Utah. My mom brought my dog. We have had to stay strongish for each other. I became more honest with my friends about what was happening in my life. I tell everyone I love them now.
Bad thing: Skip a few months of adjusting and panic searching for a house, and moving Seth then moving mom, and trying to make a new life and trying to pay bills on a bigger home. Mom falls and has to have surgery. This wasn’t good for her. She was scared without dad, I was a horrible nurse, and I had a conference in another state planned two weeks later. I really could have done better at helping her out. Seriously, I was not a good daughter.
Good thing: My aunt and uncle came out and we got to hang for a bit. I hadn’t seen them since I went home when dad died, so it was nice to show them our new home and that we ARE TOTALLY OKAY. YEAH. We aren’t but whatever. And then my cousin and her baby came out. And that was a for sure good thing. There really isn’t much good to the whole scenario.
Bad thing: I jumped off a diving board and did not cannonball correctly and will probably forever have pain. Surgery sucked, being off my foot for months sucked, the fact I can’t handle walking from the reference desk to the office without fighting tears sucks and the lack of sleep I am getting when I just started sleeping after a year and a half SUCKS. IT SUCKS SO MUCH.
Good thing: I don’t even know. I know everyone is super generous. I know I will forever be grateful for people helping out and work helping out. But since this one is still occurring I can’t get much further than that. My mom is a great nurse and pretty much made me stay in bed for two weeks straight which really helped. She wasn’t even very much like the Misery Kathy Bates.
Bad thing: My dog died. Yeah, she was older, yeah she had health problems. BUT REALLY. REALLY. She was my baby. She was legitimately me in dog form and everyone loved her and she loved everyone. Except the post man. She never liked the postman.
Good thing: I can do this. Um. Well. She didn’t suffer. She is with her grandpa. She stuck around a year to make sure we were okay. Maybe mom and I will win a trip to Hawaii and now we don’t need a dog sitter.
Okay. That feels better. 2015 has got to be a little better. There were of course bright spots in the last three years, there were always good people, and really good food. But it just is starting to make me tired. All the tireds you can be. And I just feel like maybe one long post means I can stop hating myself and everything on Twitter. Maybe one post means it’s out there now. All this crap is out there. My mom and brother and I had a really good, almost normal weekend even though it was weird with no dog and no dad. I hope it means we will have more.